the best is yet to be.

dear prince charming,

2009-09-29T09:11:00.002-06:00

Ok, I'm ready! You can reveal yourself any day now. It will probably be a little hard to see you among all those jerks, but I'm confident you can win me over.... Ready, go!

Love,

Emma

girls just wanna have fun

2009-09-03T08:42:00.002-06:00

For once in my life, this really is true. Of course I plan to keep my grades up, study hard, and all that jazz... But whereas until now everything has been about working hard to keep up a relationship and doing my best to make sure people like me, I'm ready to just be me. (Whatever that is.) It feels good to not worry so much all the time: Do they think I'm weird? Does she like me? Who cares? It's refreshing to do everything I do just for myself: I'm not working out all the time to impress boys; I'm doing it because it feels so damn good to be in shape! I'm not trying new things and meeting new people with the hopes of "finding anyone special," I'm doing it because it's fun to make new friends.

I am Emma, and I am the master of my destiny!

Cheesy. I know. But it feels good.

these are the best nights

2009-09-01T22:13:00.002-06:00

Today after school and work I:

♥ had my tragus pierced. Not really sure why; I've been thinking about it for about two years and finally decided to take the plunge. It hurt like shit. It was totally worth it--I love it!

♥ had pizza for dinner. Don't judge me. It was delicious, and I swear I'll start eating healthy again tomorrow. Probably.

♥ painted my nails. Badly. Once I clean them up a little, I think they will be less embarrassing.

♥ was incredibly productive, academically speaking. I am now caught up on homework through Friday. It's ok; I'm kind of a big deal.

♥ watched several episodes of Sex and the City. I've never really managed to get into it before, but for the uncensored version - a la entire series on DVD rather than on TBS, where you don't get to hear any swearing or see any dirty sex - I'm giving it another shot. Bonus: no commercials. I love when my roommate's little sister's boyfriend gives her wonderful birthday gifts that we promptly steal.

♥ paid rent. This part sucked in a several-hundred-dollars-out-of-my-pocket kind of way, but I feel sort of (very) grown up and mature. Hmm!

Overall, it's been a good night. Now for the whole getting up and doing it all again thing tomorrow...

overall, not a great first week of school.

2009-08-29T15:20:00.003-06:00

Despite my high hopes for this semester, I'm feeling more discouraged than ever. My classes are mostly interesting, but hard. (I know, I know; I should expect that--they're all junior level college classes.) They all involve strict deadlines and lots of reading. I have felt like a socially awkward dork all week, be it at work or in class or at the cycling team barbeque where no one was friendly. And today, to top it all off, I was abandoned on Highway 36 by the cycling team in its entirety, leaving me with essentially no options but to ride the 30 miles by myself. (This is pathetic, but I stopped in Lyons for a good 20-minute "why do these people hate me and why do I always have to be such a loser" cry. Then I manned up and rode home.) I'm about ready to give up, move back in with my parents, and spend the rest of my life working at Sports Authority. I guess you win some and you lose some, right? In any case, I've learned my lesson: Don't ever say things can't possibly get worse, because if my experience this week has been any indication, they can. Things can always manage to get worse.

BUT at least I'm not starving to death in a third world country, armed terrorists from other tribes are not out to kill me or my family, I have a roof over my head, etc. etc. A little perspective.

i wish i was twelve.

2009-08-24T21:32:00.004-06:00

Things change so quickly. I can hardly keep track of my own life anymore. Here I am, in this beautiful apartment that I can't really afford, paying for rent and groceries and utilities and all those unpleasant grown-up things, and I have to remind myself constantly: You wanted this. It's true. I've waited for this experience, this essential adulthood, my whole life; I spent my high school years dreaming of the day I could leave the parental nest and fly on my own. It's a bad metaphor. I know. But here I am, and suddenly all I want is to drive home, run upstairs, and lay on my mom's bed for a good cry.

So far, I hate being a grownup.

and in an unsatisfying turn of events,

2009-08-05T20:35:00.001-06:00

I am quite unhappy with my current roommate situation. Perhaps I am not meant to live happily ever after during my college years?

on my radar right now:

2009-07-17T16:47:00.002-06:00

♥ New blog layout. I love it! Always nice to freshen things up...

♥ Babysitting. I have probably spent more time in other people's houses lately (between housesitting and babysitting) than in my own. As much as I love little people, I have to say that--at least for the next several years--this is excellent birth control.

♥ Vintage everything. I think my bedroom next year is going to be absolutely Emma in every way. I love Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe, and the beauty and class they represent. Along with having their lovely faces staring at me each morning when I wake up, I'm thrilled to say that I now have a healthy dose of (non-tacky, I promise) vintage and antique furniture!

♥ Mash-ups. I had no idea how entertaining it could be to listen to bands like Super Mash Bros.! Download their album free here and see what I mean.

♥ Volunteering. The only downside is that I can't take all the cute homeless dogs with me when I leave. Putting in hours at the animal shelter is rewarding to say the least, and it's nice to do something besides navel-gaze all the time. I like the idea that I'm part of something bigger than myself.

♥ Duathlon-ing. The big race is tomorrow. Wish me luck!

new apartment, here we come!

2009-07-17T10:40:00.002-06:00

I'm so excited to move into my new apartment I can hardly stand it; in fact, it's pretty much all I talk/think about these days. We have pretty much all our communal furniture (though that's brought up some fairly concerning issues regarding a third roommate who has contributed very little--ok, absolutely nothing--so far): kitchen table with four chairs, courtesy of a garage sale; two barstools to be used at our kitchen nook (!!!); beautiful coffee table that I can't believe my mother is letting us have (it will definitely be our nicest piece of furniture); sofa from my uncle who recently moved into a teeny tiny loft in FoCo (it will most certainly need to be recovered; it's hideous)... I think that about covers it!

Not to mention my plans for my bedroom, which will be COMPLETE WITH A WALK-IN CLOSET AND PRIVATE BATHROOM. That's right, I'm yelling! Because I'm just that excited! The only thing I still feel I desperately need at this point is a cute little bench to go at the foot of my bed. I'm not sure why this seems so important, but I feel like it's going to tie everything together.

We move in on the 8th, and by move in I mean start painting. Everything should actually be moved in and ready to go by the 15th, which means my first night on my very own as a real live grown up will be August 16th. Pictures will obviously be up then! Gah, can't wait!

forced family fun to the rescue!

2009-07-02T22:46:00.002-06:00

I can't say I was too thrilled about the idea of being stuck in the kids' room for the week (I'm a legal adult, for god's sakes!), but it turns out a few days of familial bonding in gorgeous Keystone was just what I needed. Aside from the sleepless nights--certain family members, whom I will not name here, are extremely prolific snorers--I must say I quite enjoyed this little vacation! Between jogging on the beautiful trails, mountain biking, rafting (including my uncle Jack's insistence, throughout the trip, that "things are about to heat up right around this bend, I can feel it!"), swimming, shopping to my little heart's content (outlets in Silverthorne, anyone?) and, as is Walker/Stroh family tradition, consuming copious amounts of carb-filled food, I'm happy to say I'm feeling quite content at the moment. Of course, there's nothing like those heart attack-destined distant cousins, whom I will also refrain from naming, to put me into an absolute exercise frenzy, and for once I've returned from vacation and still manage to fit into the majority of my clothes. After all, I did ride a bike 150 miles last weekend, and I've basically done nothing but exercise (ok, and eat) all week...

Quick aside: as usual, this annual family extravaganzapalooza has reminded me that I do, in fact, come by my ghetto booty quite honestly. The legendary "Stroh Butt," as it is referred to in my family, runs deep in my veins, and I am reminded once again that I must embrace it rather than attempt to exercise it away. Plus, it does look pretty fine in my brand new Calvin Klein jeans!

still, i'd rather hear about farrah.

2009-06-26T15:24:00.003-06:00

This morning, when I opened my iTunes, I was met with an announcement from Genius--the creepy new feature that makes recommendations for new music based on what I already listen to--that although my current choice could not be matched to anything particularly relevant, I might enjoy today's top selling albums. Guess what was at the top of the list?

Off the Wall / Michael Jackson
Bad / Michael Jackson
Dangerous / Michael Jackson

Now, I appreciate the Jam Genius of Michael Jackson as much as anybody else, but I have to take issue with this. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that the sudden spike in King of Pop sales is a direct result of his death yesterday, and call me a cynic, but I find this somewhat disturbing. Because four years ago, the same people who spent $9.99 to buy his hits this morning were ready to crucify him. I say this because anybody who came to his defense in 2005, when he was accused of sexual assault on a child, probably already owned all those albums.

He was acquitted, of course, but in the land of super-rich megastars, that doesn't mean much, because unless I'm mistaken, jumping on an SUV for an impromtu show outside the courthouse is not a traditional part of the American legal system. Tabloids, along with everybody else, threw him under the bus in 2005, but who's mentioning it now?

Don't get me wrong; who am I to say whether Michael Jackson molested anybody? But here's what I do know: it's impossible not to dance when "Thriller" comes on the radio, I can't help smiling when I hear anything by The Jackson 5, and today, the top 3 albums on iTunes are all his. I guess he left a hell of a legacy after all.

i love not working!

2009-06-26T13:07:00.003-06:00

This week, I had three days off. Three! Here's what I did:

saw The Proposal (cute if formulaic and predictable, plus Ryan Reynolds is hot) and Year One (not particularly original, but Michael Cera is always refreshingly funny);
went to a hockey game, which was fun even if we lost miserably;
baked some delicious cupcakes from scratch with the best boyfriend ever;
got caught in the rain several times;
sat on Miss Boyd's couch with three of my favorite people in the world;
finished Julie & Julia, which I absolutely loved;
and, last but not least, but some miles on my extremely beautiful new running shoes.

Have I ever mentioned that I would very much like to meet a rich benefactor so I never have to work again?

the nice thing about living in the country

2009-06-25T23:30:00.002-06:00

is that on a clear night, a night like tonight, you can see the stars. All of them. You can see the Big Dipper (or is it the Little Dipper? I can never get them straight), Orion's Belt, and probably lots of other constellations, if you've had any kind of astronomy-related education between sixth grade Outdoor Lab and the present. (I, obviously, have not.) Tonight, I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders as I drove home, and when I stepped out of the car, I was struck by the overwhelming bigness of the universe. I, Emma, almost twenty and with little sense of purpose or direction, am so tiny in comparison to those little pinpricks in the sky which are actually giant structures millions of miles away--can you even imagine; a million miles?--and it hit me, tonight, that in the end, when all is said and done and I've spent my last breaths, life will go on. A thousand years from now, people will still be doing what they can to get by, they will still be seeking justice in this mixed-up world of ours, they will still be searching for answers. And someone will step outside and see those beautiful stars twinkling in that perfect velvet sky, and they will think, Maybe there is something out there for me after all, waiting to be found. At least, that's how I feel.

on my radar right now:

2009-06-16T11:04:00.002-06:00

♥ John Travolta. He has played some of the sexiest, most desirable characters of all time: Danny Zucco (Grease), Chili Palmer (Get Shorty and Be Cool)... Enough said there, but there's more! See The Taking of Pelham 123; I promise you won't regret it.

♥ Decorating my new apartment. Okay, I haven't exactly moved in yet. But I never realized how much fun it could be to beautify a plain kitchen/bathroom/living room! Hint: Hobby Lobby always, always, always has some kind of fabulous sale going on (posters, frames, etc.).

♥ Training for a duathlon. I plan on being in amazing shape by July 28, when the Mile Hi Duathlon takes place at Cherry Creek Reservoir. Run 5K, bike 30K, run another 5K. Who wants to train with me?

♥ Scrapbooking. I'll admit it: I'm a big nerd. But there's something about all those cute little stickers, fun paper, and going through old photos that makes me weak in the knees. When we're all old and Alzheimer-y, everyone will thank me for documenting our adolescence.

♥ Housesitting. It's just a few days here and there, but you'd be surprised how quickly that $20/day adds up! It doesn't sound like much, but consider what I have to do for it: feed dogs, check; live at house that is bigger/nicer than my own, check; watch movies on gigantic TV, check. Not a bad deal.

♥ Gel nails. Somewhat obscure, but I'd be lying if I said they weren't on my radar. These aren't your average acrylics; they last nearly twice as long, are healthier for your nails, and look GORGEOUS. I am in love.

it feels like forever ago; and also just yesterday

2009-06-10T12:56:00.003-06:00

It's been two years today since what I consider to be the most traumatizing trans-Atlantic flight in the history of the world--I would have preferred crashing into the ocean to what happened that day. In two years, I have:

graduated high school,
successfully completed a year of college,
met the boy of my dreams,
made amazing new friends,
stayed in touch with amazing old friends,
become closer to my family,
and, with a few struggles along the way, realized what I want to do with my life.

It's been 730 days, and not one has gone by in which I didn't feel the sting of what happened, of the friendship lost, of that betrayal. But in the 17,520 hours that have passed since that horrible day, I have grown: I am stronger now than I ever thought I'd have to be. It's true what they say; time heals all wounds. I will never forget what happened, and a part of me will certainly always feel a little wary, because who knows when someone you love will turn your world upside down? But I've realized that true friends, though few and far between, are worth keeping for a lifetime.

Those "friends" that I couldn't trust have slowly been weeded out over the last two years as their true colors were revealed, some immediately after it happened, and some more recently. (You know who you are.) As cheesy as it may seem, I want my friends (who are practically family at this point) to know how grateful I am, because I doubt I would have survived the past two years without you.

The one thing I haven't been able to find, after all this time, is forgiveness. Perhaps in the days, weeks, years that are to come, I will be able to forgive him for what happened; but today is not that day. I feel certain that I will have to feel mercy and forgiveness in order to truly put the past behind me, but at nineteen years old, I hope I still have plenty of time to grow.

nothing like a little retail therapy!

2009-05-29T19:12:00.002-06:00

Have I ever mentioned that I love 5 for $25 panties at Victoria's Secret? I also really enjoy that they have taken to classifying their undies as "cheeky," "cheekier," and "cheekiest." Guess which ones are my favorites?

summer's looking a little brighter now...

2009-05-24T20:39:00.001-06:00

After spending the weekend in beautiful Grand Lake, I have resolved to spend more time outside this summer. Let the hiking begin!

employed at last!

2009-05-22T20:37:00.000-06:00

I start my new career at Sports Authority on Tuesday. Would everyone please keep their fingers crossed that I am never required to answer any questions about baseball?

on my radar right now

2009-05-20T22:07:00.002-06:00

♥ The Space Jam soundtrack. Who doesn't love a movie starring the cast of Looney Toons and Michael Jordan? In my opinion, there is no better movie, and its greatness can be attributed in large part to its excellent soundtrack of pump-me-up songs. If you only download one song, make it "Basketball Jones." (Cheech and Chong will make you pee your pants.)

♥ Get Shorty. Ok, it was popular a decade ago, but Elmore Leonard's crime novel is such a page-turner I feel like I would be lying if I didn't tell you I was incapable of putting it down. Chili Palmer is probably the best good/bad guy I've ever read about.

♥ The Kroenke-McMahon smackdown. For those who haven't been keeping up, a quick recap: Kroenke, who owns the Pepsi Center as well as our Nuggets, gave the Pepsi Center to Vince McMahon (chairman of the WWE, though please note for the record that I wasn't keeping track of events involving the WWE prior to this debacle) for the live taping of Monday Night Smackdown. But then the Nugs made the playoffs, and Kroenke needed the Pepsi Center for Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals against the Lakers. The solution? McMahon denounces our capital city in favor of Los Angeles (ouch!). I'm hoping for a cage match...

♥ Law & Order: SVU. We all know I love me some crime dramas, and this is by far the best-acted I've seen. I can't decide if I am more obsessed with Olivia Benson, Elliot Stabler, or the fact that Ice-T was given a role on a serious show. But be warned: once the theme song has ended and you hear that first gong, you are obligated to watch the episode in its entirety; it's impossible to pry yourself away.

♥ Bargain hunting. I'm on a pretty tight budget these days what with my unemployment and all (please note that I have now applied for literally fifteen jobs), but that doesn't mean my love fo designer duds has dimmed. I recently bought a bea-you-tee-ful Kathy purse at Marshall's for a mere $40, and--get this--a super cute Ed Hardy t-shirt at Costco (no, I'm not joking) for $20! I also have a pair of earrings that you'd swear I got for $200 at Juicy Couture, but you'd be wrong: $8.50 at Claire's. I am becoming such a pro at this!

♥ Tea. Doesn't stain your teeth or give you nasty morning breath like coffee does (though I'll never give up coffee...), is full of healthy antioxidants, and packs a pretty powerful dose of caffeine! I'm not a big fan of green tea, and for those who agree with me, don't fear: this by no means limits your options. I love red teas; my favorite is the Pure Honey Bush (find it at Wystone's at Belmar in Lakewood).

ok, so i've pretty much worn out all my summer activities

2009-05-13T23:55:00.002-06:00

Three days in, and I'm already bored out of my mind. I have applied for literally a dozen jobs, and everyone has either not called me back/blown me off post-interview/told me they were only hiring non-students who could stay through the fall/ignored me completely. As much as I enjoy sleeping as late as I want, I miss my cozy internship at the UMC! I am no longer waiting for an opportunity to present itself. I will seize the day. I will become gainfully employed!

call me a nerd,

2009-05-11T19:10:00.002-06:00

but the Star Trek movie was basically super awesome. I now understand why, in college, my dad apparently referred to the characters as "his friends." I can definitely see myself watching Star Trek, season by season...

...and let summer begin!

2009-05-08T18:14:00.002-06:00

I didn't really realized until I started unpacking how much stuff I've accumulated... And, to be honest, the majority of it is just plain old crap. So this summer, I'm making it a goal to literally clean out my closet. I've already thrown away a giant garbage bag of junk, and I have a huge pile of clothes to donate. There's something about purging all that excess riffraff that makes me feel brand new... Perfect timing for what I'm predicting will be my best summer yet!

on my radar right now:

2009-05-07T19:07:00.003-06:00

♥ textsfromlastnight.com. Hilarious. Most texts sound like an Emma-Kelsey exchange, which I always find amusing.

♥ 30 Rock. Tina Fey is loveable as always, and Jack Donaghey never ceases to add fire to my creepy older-man crush on Alec Baldwin. Delicious!

♥ Nike Shox. Without a doubt my comfiest, pinkest shoes. Considering they are meant for working out, I would even say they're pretty cute.

♥ The Yiddish Policemen's Union. Without a doubt the best book I've read in a long time. 400 pages flew by. Hilarious and poignant, especially now.

♥ Cycling. With summer (and the annual Walker Family MS-150 Extravaganza) just around the corner, I'm banking on getting back in shape; even considering a little competitive racing this summer. About time I found a sport to be good at!

♥ fmylife.com. If you haven't heard of it by now, you've obviously been living under a rock. I credit the lovely Miss Morgan with introducing me to the site before it was cool.

♥ The Sink. Best burgers in Boulder, hands down. Mmm.

♥ Vintage posters. I'm stocking up for my apartment next year... I'm absolutely in love with my plans for my (very own, non-shared) bedroom. Can't wait!

♥ Being home for the summer. I plan on spending the majority of it outside... Lots of hiking, biking, picnicking, etc.

confession of the day:

2009-04-16T15:14:00.002-06:00

When I find out someone's name is Brian, I immediately dislike him. I know that's shallow. I have never met a Brian I liked.

things are looking up!

2009-04-02T14:04:00.002-06:00

Right now I have:

straight As,
an $800 check from an insurance company in the mail for the "pain and suffering associated with my recent car accident,"
a payday tomorrow,
an apartment (and two wonderful roommates) lined up for next year,
my schedule for next semester ready to go,
and a plan to finish school in two more years.

I'm feeling pretty good.

fact of the day:

2009-03-31T17:18:00.002-06:00

Pro football? His own Travel Channel show? Dhani Jones is so adorable.

sometimes all you really need is a good dog.

2009-03-30T21:23:00.002-06:00

it's a wonderful world

2009-03-29T15:19:00.004-06:00

This spring break consisted of:

♥ palm trees,

♥ Paradise Valley,

♥ just enough Bacardi to make everything seem a little funnier,

♥ a fabulous tan,

♥ the world's most wonderful mall...

♥ ...complete with a Tiffany's!

♥ my new favorite thing, aka INN N OUT,

♥ no Facebook, email, or blogging, which was surprisingly relaxing,

♥ a week spent in the sun (away from the blizzard!) with some of my favorite people.

I am so not ready to go back to school.

...and i'm off!

2009-03-20T19:31:00.001-06:00

Sunny Scottsdale, here I come! This is going to be a fabulous break...

i have just purchased an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weenie yellow polka dot bikini!

2009-03-18T17:51:00.001-06:00

And guess what? It can actually contain my whole entire butt. One more midterm, and then.... Spring break, here I come!

my greatest ASSet is shrinking...

2009-03-05T14:33:00.002-07:00

And although under our current economic circumstances that doesn't sound like good news, it really is. I am absolutely determined to be in super-sexy bikini shape by spring break! In my weeks (ok, months) of not working out regularly, I had almost forgotten how great it feels to exercise every day. I already feel like a million bucks, and I am hoping that by the end of March, I will look like it too!

jealousy looks ugly on me

2009-03-04T21:28:00.003-07:00

This shouldn't bother me...but it does.

a dusty old memory

2009-02-28T18:44:00.002-07:00

Your eyes are so beautiful

right after you cry, he said

I can't remember why he said it

(or why he said he said it)

But I knew then

why he always made my cry

today:

2009-02-27T18:01:00.002-07:00

My boss yelled for "being careless" at me as soon as I got to work. His idea of "training" me was to set me loose and figure I would ask about anything I didn't understand. Everyone at work thinks I'm a moron.
No one noticed my new haircut.
My linguistics test was a thousand times harder than I expected.
I can't find my favorite mascara.
My skinny jeans are a little too skinny. I feel like a fatass.

FML.

this too shall pass...hopefully

2009-02-25T13:29:00.002-07:00

Why, oh why, did Steven Page feel the need to "pursue solo projects"? I am positive nothing he can do on his own will come close to matching the genius of BNL. What am I supposed to do now?!

this would be my seven hundreth post

2009-02-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

Just in case anyone was wondering...

whoops

2009-02-21T14:43:00.002-07:00

Last night was probably not the most intelligent night of my life. I am very much feeling the after-effects of my excessive alcohol intake. Still, I have a hard time saying no when I'm in a room full of my favorite people, and, of course, delicious Mike's. My headache will just have to be ignored.

week from hell

2009-02-20T20:54:00.003-07:00

There is no particular reason this week should have sucked, but somehow, it did. So today, to reward myself to surviving this horrible terrible no good very bad week, I got my nails done (a full set--how sophisticated!) and bravely had my eyebrows waxed (ohmygod that hurt). I got back and my room smells like vomit. No explanation. FML

horrible terrible no good very bad day

2009-02-18T15:55:00.001-07:00

It's a Murphy's Law kind of day... If there was even the slightest possibility something could have gone wrong, you can rest assured it did. I'm going out of my mind.

but when will i start feeling like me again?

2009-02-12T18:57:00.003-07:00

My new medication makes me feel better. It makes me feel less depressed, less like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, less like my life is falling apart. Still, I'm ready to just feel... normal.

shit! i totally forgot how to do this!

2009-02-12T17:35:00.003-07:00

I didn't exactly have to write a lot of papers requiring citation last semester, and now that I'm in upper-level classes, this is coming back to haunt me. I am quite rusty.

Also, if your name happens to be "Kayla," or, more commonly, "Bear," I wish we still went to school together. You keep me sane and no one else knows how.

i don't know why

2009-02-11T22:22:00.001-07:00

I'm just itching to do something really, regrettably stupid.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2009-02-10T19:02:00.003-07:00

This. Is so. Exciting.

a rather severe case of writers' block

2009-02-09T21:16:00.004-07:00

As much as I despise Mrs. Dalloway, I'm beginning to understand how Virginia Woolf felt until she thought of that first, perfect sentence: "Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself." I have so much to say, but I can't think of any way to put it all into words. It makes such perfect sense in my head, where my thoughts pitch little tents and camp out for days at a time, until they finally find their way out of the woods. But when I try to write it down, everything feels meaningless, inarticulate. Nothing seems significant or even worth saying at all, and I feel like I'm just vomiting all over the page: who wants to read my literary vomit?

I hope my contemporary lit teacher doesn't mind too much, because she's about to receive a thousand-word paper that seems an insult to Woolf for all its hollowness and (unintended) insincerity.

I hate to come off as a morose intellectual, but there's something about Woolf's notion of capturing the feelings we experience in a single moment of our lives, the idea that we might read something and think, Yes, that's exactly it, that I find so heartbreakingly captivating. I wish I could be a writer. I wish I could write down all these things I keep thinking; I wish I could make something so beautiful and tragically, poetically real that it would change someone's life, the way The Hours has changed mine.

"There's just this for consolation: an hour here or there when our lives seem, against all odds and expectations, to burst open and give us everything we've ever imagined, though everyone but children (and perhaps even they) knows these hours will inevitably be followed by others, far darker and more difficult. Still, we cherish the city, the morning; we hope, more than anything, for more."

sometimes i forget for awhile

2009-02-07T23:50:00.001-07:00

But I am really, really lucky.

this week i can't handle:

2009-02-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

Headaches. And the early onset of senility. I feel like I'm going insane.

The assholes on the fourth floor, who insist on [recreational furniture moving / a basketball tournament / jump roping / throwing bowling balls from their lofted beds / training circus elephants] in the wee hours of the night/morning.

My short hair. It's been a month and a half. Shouldn't I know how to style it by now?!

Mrs. Dalloway. Forgive me, Mrs. Woolf, but I can't work up much sympathy for a spoiled aristocrat who chose to marry the wrong man.

Midterms. I can't believe midterms are already here.

Missing Maude. I feel strangely guilty for not having said a proper goodbye, like I've abandoned her. She must have felt very lonely when I left here there, on the side of the highway, falling apart. If there is a car heaven, I'm sure Maude is there. (Or, if there is still a chance of her revival, I'm hoping she doesn't go toward the light...)

The balance between work and play. Or, in my case, lack thereof.

...how long til spring break?

i didn't choose this

2009-02-05T17:02:00.002-07:00

It just happened

Life just happened

But one night

in my darkest hour

and after much deliberation

I chose life

So I guess I got myself here

after all

You promised I wouldn't regret it

and you're right

I don't.

on the (house)hunt

2009-02-03T17:44:00.002-07:00

I'm starting to freak out a little about where I'm going to live next year. I absolutely refuse to live in the dorms again; for some reason nobody does that at CU and I'm sure as hell not going to be the only sophomore living on campus. We've pretty much missed our window to apply for a four-bedroom at Bear Creek, which is the apartment complex I've liked best of all the ones we've seen so far. (Not that it had much competition; everything else is either a crackhouse/trailer park or ridiculously overpriced.)

Houses on the Hill don't really appeal to me either; there's something less-than-appetizing about the idea of living in a trashy dump where a bunch of frat boys once had a room devoted entirely to beer pong.

We're quickly running out of four-bedroom options unless we want to commute from Superior or Broomfield (we don't) or are willing to pay more than $800 a month in rent, not including utilities (we aren't).

So far, I hate being a pseudo-adult.

senility, here i come!

2009-02-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

It's really creeping me out that I keep forgetting what I'm saying as I'm saying it. Have I already said that?

my neck really hurts

2009-02-01T11:58:00.003-07:00

and I am quite loopy from a rather large dose of muscle relaxants. I'm also feeling pretty unhappy about the state of poor little Maude, and somewhat virtuous considering that for once in my life, this accident was not my fault.

Mainly, though, I am thanking my lucky stars--or whatever you believe in--that I made it to see another day.

i can't see the stars from the city

2009-01-31T00:24:00.003-07:00

but when my headlights on dark roads

have led me home

I can see them again

they are perfectly clear

like a thousand tiny holes

pierced in the sky

I stand there

in the driveway

where I shared my first kiss with you

and I feel so small

and I wonder,

what will I be?

confession of the day

2009-01-27T18:27:00.001-07:00

I live in fear that if I take the only wheelchair-accessible stall in a bathroom, someone will have a terrible and embarrassing accident and it will be all my fault.

weekend warrior

2009-01-25T14:51:00.002-07:00

...there is nothing I want to do less than go back to school/work tomorrow.

for he's a jolly good fellow

2009-01-20T20:14:00.002-07:00

It was so exciting to watch history literally being made all day. I am so proud of America today!

here's to new beginnings

2009-01-19T10:42:00.001-07:00

I'm hoping this semester will bring us better, happier things than its predecessor. I know you can do it.

i love my new roommate!

2009-01-16T11:00:00.002-07:00

Despite my rather inhumane schedule, this semester is looking up.

confession of the day

2009-01-11T10:03:00.002-07:00

While everyone else seems excited, I am absolutely dreading going back to school.

mo' money, mo' problems

2009-01-10T01:16:00.001-07:00

For example, spending $400 on textbooks for my spring classes is not my idea of an enjoyable afternoon.

and i just want you to know

2009-01-08T01:14:00.000-07:00

that we datin' mad models

and poppin' mad bottles tonight

shit son!

2009-01-07T19:19:00.001-07:00

A hundred bucks for going 52 in a 40 at 11:30 at night in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no other cars (save the one that pulled me over) on the road?! I am definitely dreading traffic court tomorrow.

so this is the new year

2009-01-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

and I don't feel any different;

the clanking of crystal;

explosions off in the distance...

I wish the earth was flat like the old days

and we could travel just by holding a map

no more airplanes

or speed trains

or freeways

there'd be no distance that could hold us back

i have spent too long being miserable

2008-12-30T19:40:00.002-07:00

I have spent too many nights lying awake thinking about how angry I am. He did this to me, and to Leah, and to god knows who else, and it kills me to know that he's getting away with it. Every time I think about it, about what he did, about how he betrayed me and my closest friends, I want to scream and cry and tell the whole world what a filthy, disgusting liar he is.

But the people who matter know what happened, and I can't keep letting my resentment eat me alive. No matter what he tells everyone, I know he has to live with what he's done (with the monster he's become) every day.

The problem is, I'm not sure how to start moving on. I know how to get over a breakup, I've learned to pay my respects and remember the happier times when a loved one dies, I have lost people I thought were my friends come out better for it. But this is not the same. Not worse or better, just different, like nothing I have ever experienced. He is not my ex; he is a horrific and traumatizing event that took place over two and a half years of my life. No one died, though I feel like a part of me has. He was once my closest friend, but I know I am much healthier without him.

So what am I missing? I have wonderful friends, a supportive family, and, for the first time in my life, a boyfriend who loves me no matter what. But I feel like there is this great big hole, this big dark thing that I have to carry around with me all the time. I have to let this go, but I don't know where to begin. I have spent too long being so angry, but I can't let this consume me anymore.

I'm off to Dallas first thing tomorrow morning. It's probably not the first place I'd choose to clear my head--I would always prefer sunny beaches and temperatures in the mid-80s (preferably with much less humidity than one typically finds in Texas)--but I suppose it's the company you're in that matters most.

And to two of my very short list of readers (you know who you are), I hope you know that I realize how lucky I am that you both stuck with me when it happened and through this whole horrible thing. I love you both so much.

today i love:

2008-12-30T11:46:00.003-07:00

♥ Sitting in the 8th row at the Avs game with my beloved friend Jojo Mac.

♥ Smutty romance novels to be read on the plane tomorrow.

♥ The smell of my new PINK perfume.

♥ The fact that my new jeans are cute AND slimming!

♥ Forty Hottest Hotties of the 90s on VH1.

♥ Make that VH1 in general.

♥ Catching up with Leah (though I wish I could see her more often!)

♥ The fact that my hair looks almost as cute as "the Rachel" today.

♥ "The Rachel"; Jennifer Aniston.

♥ Hugging my dogs after seeing Marley & Me.

♥ 3OH!3; the excitement of seeing them live in 19 days.

♥ My lingering hope that it will be warmer in Dallas.

vacationing with your boyfriend's family seems like kind of a big step

2008-12-28T22:58:00.002-07:00

I hope I am mature enough to withstand six days of family togetherness with someone else's family... But if all else fails, at least I will have a certain boy there to keep me company.

update!

2008-12-27T10:20:00.002-07:00

Thanks to a mistake on the part of my sociology professor (now corrected), I actually have a 3.67 now! What a pleasant surprise... That means almost straight As; who would have guessed it?

ode to working out

2008-12-27T10:18:00.003-07:00

I hate exercise

it's absolutely awful

but I'm getting fat

I'm off to the gym

this is like torture for me

but, I will slim down

there, that's better!

2008-12-25T18:02:00.002-07:00

667 is a less disconcerting sort of number. On that note, a merry Christmas to all! (And, for my Jewish readers--all two of you!--I hope you are enjoying your Hanukkah, which I believe started on Sunday, or perhaps Monday? Are there any pagan readers out there? I hope you lot had a lovely solstice on Sunday. Aren't I cultured?!) Anyway, I'm off to enjoy way too much food and hopefully be allowed some wine, as all this family togetherness gets me wound a little tight. Love you all!

my 666th post?!

2008-12-25T18:01:00.001-07:00

On Christmas? This seems like a bad omen...

dear sore throat,

2008-12-24T11:55:00.001-07:00

Is this really a good time? Really?

Sincerely,

Emma

one semester down

2008-12-23T17:50:00.002-07:00

A 3.52 is better than my GPA any semester of high school, and I am pretty happy with it.

shit!

2008-12-23T14:21:00.002-07:00

Short hair is much lower maintenance, they told me. Hardly any work at all. But that is not true. Making my newly short hair not look like shit is a challenge in itself, and making it actually look cute is proving to be somewhat impossible.

wrapping, check!

2008-12-22T17:17:00.003-07:00

Now if only Kayla's present would arrive, I would be all set for Christmas!

i must be the most un-motivated person alive

2008-12-22T09:39:00.003-07:00

I have to get back in shape over break so I don't go back to school a gigantic cow. Unfortunately, I'm not good with the whole self-control thing when it comes to holiday snacking, and it seems the Emma train is wholeheartedly barreling toward obesity..

confession of the day

2008-12-21T23:30:00.002-07:00

When I see people throwing their cigarette butts out the window, I have an almost uncontrollable urge to ram into their car. Due to the potentially life-threatening injuries I would most likely sustain, I typically manage to refrain.

i think it worked better this time!

2008-12-20T14:37:00.003-07:00

Lesson learned: do NOT cut your hair 3 days before your senior pictures. Other than that, experimenting with one's length is not such a bad idea!

finally friday

2008-12-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

AHHH I have to get out of this office!

confession of the day

2008-12-18T16:33:00.002-07:00

When I see in the movie credits that the character has the same name as the actor who played him, I assume said actor is mentally challenged in some way, and can only answer to cues when they are addressed to that name.

i don't think a teacher has ever said that to me before!

2008-12-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

"FYI, you made the highest grade on the exam and the highest grade in the class. I'm very proud of you."

only one more final

2008-12-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

And my first semester of college is officially OVER.

i have always wondered who wrote that

2008-12-16T22:12:00.002-07:00

I don't know what it was, but at that time in my life, nothing had ever brought so much hope. Whoever wrote "THE BEST IS YET TO BE" on the floor of Senior Hall probably doesn't know what a huge impact their words had on my life, but there is one person who understands. I have never been so grateful to have such a wonderful best friend.

Thank you for being there even when I didn't deserve it. I'm so lucky.

i am so bad at being a grown up!

2008-12-15T14:23:00.002-07:00

I have been at the office for something like six and a half hours, and I still have an hour and a half to go. I think I will throw myself out a window if I ever have to do this every day.

hormones much?!

2008-12-14T22:17:00.002-07:00

I always feel like such a tool when those touchy-feely 9News stories make me cry.

a solid B in science...?

2008-12-14T19:47:00.003-07:00

Considering my history with science, I'd say that's quite impressive! I'm hoping it doesn't turn out to be some kind of cruel, heinous mistake.

i hate being stressed!

2008-12-13T15:23:00.002-07:00

Why does my hair get oily so fast? Why does my skin feel like it's about to burst? Why have I had a headache for a solid week now? Why do I feel like I want to jump out a window?

I'll tell you why. Fuck, I never actually learned this shit.

global thermohaline circulation

2008-12-13T09:00:00.002-07:00

Yeah, I don't really know what that is either.

ode to college

2008-12-12T08:47:00.004-07:00

O why must I live in a dorm?
I hear my roommate's constant porn
And she just smells so bad
(Can you say bachelor pad?!)
It looks as though there's been a storm.

And the food, you see, is even worse
Eating it, I'll end up in a hearse
And that horrible smell!
What's in it? Don't tell!
Stock up on cereal in my purse.

But finals week is here at last
The semester has not gone so fast
So I'll study away
Til my brain turns to... clay?
And finals, finally, will have passed.

I've got 7 semesters of this
(If I don't go to grad school, that is)
I can't wait to grow up;
I don't enjoy King's Cup,
And college, so far, isn't bliss.

But it's best not to grow up too soon
and although I cannot wait for June
I like my new friends
and the letters mom sends
and someday I'll sleep until noon.

i love my birthday!

2008-12-11T23:42:00.002-07:00

I have some of the most amazing friends in the whole wide world. Even though I am stressed out of my mind about finals week, today reminded me how lucky I really am.

Thanks, guys! ♥

what an excellent birthday weekend!

2008-12-07T22:03:00.002-07:00

Even though 19 isn't really a big deal, I love that I get to be the princess this week. (Although I don't really understand why I am not considered royalty for the other fifty-odd weeks of the year.)

Oh, and to a particularly thoughtful boy: thank you for making this weekend extra special!

good thing it's friday

2008-12-05T12:09:00.002-07:00

♥ My birthday is next week!

X I kind of want to kill my roommate.

♥ Only 2 more weeks til break!

X Have I mentioned that my roommate is a disgusting pig?

♥ Lunch with my grandma today!

X I can't even hear myself think because SOMEONE is snoring so loudly.

♥ My friends are fabulous.

X Why doesn't she ever go to class?

♥ New hair stuff minimizes static! I hate when my hair is staticky (sp?)

X I can barely get to my side of the room because of all the crap I have to wade through.

This is getting so old.

i still can't wait to get out of this room

2008-12-04T21:05:00.001-07:00

But I like college this week.

shhh!

2008-12-03T22:18:00.001-07:00

I bought a delicious smelling candle tonight and I've been burning it since I got back to my room. For once, it doesn't smell like taquitos in here!

...too bad candles are not allowed in the dorms.

i am not a morning person

2008-12-02T08:38:00.001-07:00

It probably doesn't help that I couldn't sleep last night because I looked over to see that my roommate was banging some boy. God. That is so gross.

i have too much crap

2008-11-30T23:34:00.001-07:00

When I have my own house, I think I will make sure things are simpler.

i wish break wasn't over so quickly

2008-11-29T15:22:00.001-07:00

I don't think I'm ready to go back to school... I like it at home. I'm not very good at college so far.

fuck you, alan

2008-11-27T09:31:00.002-07:00

I don't especially want to work at Abercrombie again, but it would be nice if you'd at least call me back. It's not like you're so busy, what with your living at your grandmother's and not having any friends.

Asshole.

housesitting is a pretty good gig

2008-11-26T14:48:00.003-07:00

Good thing I am less than a block away from the home of a certain person, who shall remain unnamed, whose house I may or may not have mercilessly egged two summers ago. Hopefully he has forgotten/moved.

it is my absolute favorite thing about living in the middle of nowhere

2008-11-23T23:35:00.002-07:00

The stars are so bright tonight, I feel like time has stopped and I'm in space.

...why does this matter so much?

2008-11-22T11:57:00.000-07:00

because we are your friends

2008-11-20T18:36:00.001-07:00

You'll never be alone again

Well come on

If I ever make a movie about my friends, Justice Vs Simian will be fully in charge of the soundtrack.

he is the most perfect archnemesis i could possibly imagine.

2008-11-20T10:26:00.003-07:00

I absolutely despise him: Greg. I can't stand his name, his stupid glasses, the condescending looks he gives me, his greasy hair. The only thing I can stand about Greg is how much I love to hate him.

...This is so satisfying.

you think i only think i think about you when we're both in the same room

2008-11-19T17:57:00.005-07:00

I'm only here to witness

the remains of love exhumed

You think we're only here to play

a game of who loves more than whom

and if you call, I will answer

and if you fall, I'll pick you up

and if you court this disaster

I'll point you home